sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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