They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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