please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
