The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
