weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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