you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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