I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
