i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
