so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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