I'm pants shitting drunk right now
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
