I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
