yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
