Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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