My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
