I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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