A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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