Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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