I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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