i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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