He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
