You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
