why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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