Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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