in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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