i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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