It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
