New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
