It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
