Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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