I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I did not marry a roomba.
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