I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
