he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
