Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize