We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
