My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Randomize
