Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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