he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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