Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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