How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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