So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize