i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
