You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
