There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
