Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
