i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
