This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
