I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
