Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
