i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I want her autograph on my taint
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
