LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
