She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
