You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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