so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
