So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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