I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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