Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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