drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize