Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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