Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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