I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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