Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
4 words: hood of his car
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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