elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
