Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As shirtless as possible
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
