My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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